Emotional Coaching for Better Relationships

In emotional coaching with a life coach, like myself, you talk with the coach about emotions, and learn how to regulate your emotions.

We validate what you are feeling and that feelings are normal.

We don’t dig into therapy type talking, but instead learn together what is happening and come up with strategies together to regulate emotions.

If you’re no longer interested in putting up with everything that drains you… things like… resentment, chaotic relationships, overwhelm, feeling unappreciated, anger, not pursuing what you want or feeling guilty when you do.

Ignoring your own wants and needs, thinking this never-ending go-go-go is what’s expected of you.

Then you are in the right place, because there is another way - emotional regulation and boundaries!

Does emotional coaching work?

The short answer is YES!

For the long answer, let’s go through some important points from The Gottman Institute, The Oxford Handbook of Close Relationships and ParentingScience.com to see what’s what:

  • “Emotion regulation is important for optimal relationship functioning because it can help avoid conflict and create smoother, more enjoyable interactions (English et al. 2013)

  • They (adults) often see negative emotions, like sadness, “as something to get over, ride out, but look beyond and not dwell on (Gottman et al 1996).

  • Of course, emotion coaching isn’t a magic cure-all for every problem. Some kids (and adults) have troubles that require more than emotion coaching to remedy (Dunsmore et al 2016).

  • Children (and adults) who are coached have fewer emotional and behavior problems, including problems with anger, anxiety, and acting out (Hurrell et al 2017; Dumcombe et al 2014; Short et al 2010; Gottman et al 1996).

  • They also tend to develop better social skills and peer relationships (Denham et al 1997; Gottman et al 1996).”

*Italics added.

Research this more.

Emotion coaching is a relational approach to supporting social and emotional development, promoting relationships and supporting behavior (April Romney 2020). It’s mostly applied as a parenting strategy to help kids develop strategies for coping with emotionally difficult situations, but emotion coaching is proposed to not only support the wellbeing of children, but also adults (Rose et al. 2015).

  • Emotion coaching: Helping kids cope with negative feelings, https://www.parentingscience.com/emotion-coaching.html.

  • Why Becoming Your Child’s Emotion Coach Begins by Managing Your Own Emotions First, https://www.gottman.com/blog/why-becoming-your-childs-emotion-coach-begins-by-managing-your-own-emotions-first/.

  • Emotion Coaching Isn’t Just for Children, https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotion-coaching-isnt-just-for-children/.

If your inner critic keeps whispering in your ear…

“You’re [not working hard enough / shouldn’t feel this way / should be okay / should be able to ___ / not so-and-so / etc.].”

Then it’s time you know that you really can hope for calm and achieve it!

The coping strategies that have protected you from feeling you’re not enough and from getting hurt - pretending, performing, avoiding, smoothing over, etc. - have stopped working…

Have you noticed your resentment, avoidance, annoyance, procrastination etc. is highest when you’re most tired and overwhelmed?

That’s when a boundary is missing!

Boundaries and learning to regulate your emotions are the keys to replace the overwork, resentment and emotional overwhelm with calm, contentment and taking care of yourself.

When you don’t have adequate boundaries…

When you don’t have boundaries you’ll often feel guilt, resentment, jealousy or annoyance.

Often these feelings are an expression of what you’ve lost, what you see others have that you don’t, or what you wish you did have.

Think about how jealous you might feel for example of someone who is sitting and watching something (instead of making supper) or someone who is doing a hobby they love (instead of helping with homework)… etc.

Your boundaries are there to protect who you are, what you want and need, and what you hope for. That’s the easier part - the difficult part is who to communicate this. Communicating our boundaries is often where we get stuck!

It’s time - and it’s completely possible to learn this stuff!

You know the answers are not going to magically appear. You need help to end the negative spiral of resentment, overwork and stress. You have to stop looking at everyone and everything else, and start looking at yourself.

But we ALL need help with this. Boundaries and emotional regulation are skills we learn how to do from others!

If you could figure this all out yourself, you would have done it!

When you begin building boundaries…

…you’re validating who you are, what you want and need, what you hope for.

You’re validating what you think and feel and believe.

You have to look closely at who you are and you can’t ignore your own needs any more.

You begin to find the gaps where you didn’t learn something, or didn’t realize something, or didn’t develop something.

And you begin to do stuff like:

  • Silencing your inner critic (YAY!!!)

  • Getting perspective and validation (FINALLY!!!!)

  • Giving yourself the benefit of the doubt (YEAH!!!!)

  • Finding ways to support yourself (AT LAST!!!!)

  • Thinking kindly about yourself and others (WHOOHOO!!!!)

  • Setting realistic expectations for yourself (FOR REAL!!!!)

  • Achieving clarity, focus and action (WITH CONFIDENCE!!!!)

Hi, I’m Lynda.

Hi, I’m Lynda Wright, and I’ve broken the negative spiral of inadequate boundaries for myself and now I help other women do the same. Because, for me, it was a long road. Too long. With too many detours and false starts. It took me far too long to find out what my problem really was — the thing that kept dragging me back into resentment, anger, nastiness, bitterness, overwhelm, and stress that I so desperately wanted to leave.

My spiral of inadequate boundaries and emotional regulation began when I was a kid and was raped. But struggling with boundaries and emotional regulation happens even without enormous trauma.

On-going everyday jolts of small traumas like discrimination and long-term chaos, can be just as damaging to developing our boundaries.

Most of us have had at least some gaps where we should have learnt about boundaries and regulating our emotions.

But let me tell you what I tried before figuring this out.

I tried fixing the problems. I tried lots of talk therapy, learning life skills, overwork, ignoring exhaustion, exercise, thinking positively, Bible study, prayer, will power, super foods, energy boosters, more sleep, avoiding people, avoiding conversations, anger, vitamins, etc., etc., etc.

All the things I tried helped, but they didn’t fix or heal.

Most of the things you’ve tried did probably help you feel temporarily better. Or help you get over the current crisis. I know for me, some even saved my life a few times.

For me, no matter how hard I tried, I’d always land up in chaos again and again and again.

I needed help with my boundaries, but I wasn’t getting it, and honestly I didn’t even realize that this is what I needed!

Almost all of us, if not all of us, have had these life jolts and smaller traumas that have left us without strong boundaries or without great emotional regulation strategies - or both!

Neurobiologist, Dr. Bruce Perry, defines trauma as, "Any pattern of activating your stress response system that leads to an alteration in how that system is functioning and that leads to an over activity and an over reactivity. Most of us have little tiny experiences every day that do this - we get a glance that tells us we don't belong here, or you're stupid, or you're invisible - and all of these things literally active our stress response system in an unpredictable way. And that pattern, if it's prolonged enough, leads to the very same changes in the brain as a big T-trauma."

So even if nothing happened to you that sounds like trauma, you might still have these boundary and emotions struggles. Just like someone who has had trauma!

One example that I’ll never forget was a lady struggling with many of the same troubles as rape victims, but she had had a really good childhood. Then I heard her story. She’d been a kid stuck in a world-class hospital being treated by loving professionals for cancer when she was 3 years old. No 3 year old can understand why they’re so sick and adults are forcing them to have drips and needles that really hurt stuck in them multiple times a day.

Here’s what I know for sure…

Throughout life we’ve witnessed stress, jolts and trauma when a divorce happens, when we’re different due to a health issue, a different race, or a different religion, and in so many other ways. And we’ve witnessed the example of adults around us who struggle with their own boundaries and emotions.

And many of the things that activate our stress response system and do affect our boundary development and learning how to regulate our emotions happen accidentally or completely inadvertently.

This means that so many of us reach adulthood with some gaps in our learning and development and we struggle. We struggle with relationships, regulating emotions, setting and keeping boundaries, resentment, anger, procrastination, avoidance and annoyance, amongst others. And many of these can be enormously helped by building good boundaries and learning about our own emotions!

Why this works best with someone who’s done it!

In my experience, you can’t fix your boundaries or emotions unless someone sits with you and step-by-step pushes you (gently) on places in your life where you’re struggling - pointing out the things that you are missing.

If you could do it yourself - you would have done it by now!

I truly believe it really helps to work on these things with someone who really cares because they KNOW what it’s like, either from their own life or from someone very close to them.

Someone who will push you not because you need to be pushed but because THEY’VE done it and come out the other side.

Someone who brings hope to the table and can tell you, “You can do this, because I could!”

So they push you with love because they know it can be done.

The results…

Today, I’m kind to myself. I go to sleep feeling loved (yes, even love for myself!) and wake up feeling enthusiastic for my journey through the ups and the downs of the day. I’ve learnt to control my thoughts and choose what supports me. I’ve learnt how to say goodbye to my emotional ups and downs of irritation, frustration, anger, bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness and jealousy.

When I see myself in the mirror or think of myself, I really love who I am.

I’ve spent the past 15+ years learning how to help women break free from the results of big and small jolts in life, including healing myself!

This is what I help women do.

In my 1:1 coaching, I gently push you to find the anger and resentment in your life (so we can zap it away!), open your heart to love (by building real, healthy, loving boundaries), forgive and love yourself (and perhaps even others too), and reach your potential (without confusion and emotions getting in the way!).

What we won’t do is focus on your trauma and your pain.

Processing that is what therapy is for.

Coaching with me helps you find clarity, boundaries, and unpacks your personal challenges. Step-by-step my coaching guides you to real solutions so that you can THRIVE - and feel capable of living the life you want!

We’re going to address:

  • Emotions (how to accept, manage and calm them)

  • Self-care (it’s so much more than a bathtub and a good book)

  • Love (what love can do for you when you really “get it”)

  • Boundaries (how to set them and maintain them)

  • Forgiveness (how to use it in your life so you find freedom)

  • Confidence (it’s more than self-esteem, it’s the ability to feel capable!)

  • And what you want (no more holding you back!)

Natalie:

“When I began working with Lynda I was struggling with situational anxiety and depression due to work-related challenges.

I also struggled to set appropriate boundaries with people in my life.

Since working with Lynda I have set better boundaries in my relationships, which has defined the behaviour that I am not okay with in my relationships.

This has subsequently led to healthier relationships (and in some instances, the end of toxic ones).

I've also learned the importance of balance in my life, which includes self-care and the importance of saying "no".

This has considerably improved my mental health.

I don't know where I would be if it weren't for Lynda’s help.

I really recommend her services to anyone, knowing the incredible impact that it has had on my life.”

Emotional Coaching

1:1 Emotional coaching is when you take time to talk with me about emotions, and together we begin learning emotional regulation strategies.

We don’t dig into therapy type talking, but instead learn together what emotions are in a safe, neutral environment.

Coaching with me helps you find clarity, boundaries, learn what emotions are, and what emotional regulation is all about. Step-by-step my coaching guides you to find real solutions so that you can feel capable of regulating your own emotions!

You will:

  • Learn to manage your thoughts and feelings so your inner critic doesn’t run the show, and so you don’t bottle up emotions until they explode (both vital for better relationships!).

  • Figure out where the gaps in your boundaries are, and how to build healthy ones for your love life, friends and family.

  • Give yourself permission to grieve what you’ve lost. This is an emotional process, and while we won’t focus on your pain (we focus on solutions and plans), you may have some teary-eyed ‘aha’ moments.

  • Figure out where your personal joy, motivation and enthusiasm comes from so you can intentionally add more of those things into your life - and relationships.

  • Learn to build your circle of support, so you don’t rely on a partner for every emotional or practical need.

  • Figure out what is currently supporting you in your recovery and eliminate what is not.

In our 8 weeks of one-on-one work together, you’ll get:

  • A detailed “getting to know you” form to fill out before our first call, so we can hit the ground running

  • 8, hour-long 1:1 calls with me (spread out for optimal integration, so you have time to practice what you learn with support) - valued at R5,600 ($400)

  • WhatsApp support between calls for the 8 weeks (up to 30 minutes of text support per week!) - valued at R2,240 ($160)

  • 8 weekly thought-provoking jotters to download, print out and push yourself further - valued at R350 ($25)

  • PLUS! Bonus 1:1 call with me 1 or 2 months after you finish your 8th call to reinforce revelations, discuss your progress and obstacles, plus give you accountability for the path that you have chosen and want for your life - valued at R700 ($50)

  • PLUS! 7 Bonus guided meditations to shift mental blocks - valued at R1,400 ($100)

Total time commitment from you: 2 hours per week with weekly action steps.

Total value: R10,290 ($735)

But, you pay: R400pm ($35pm) x 13 month payment plan

or just R7,000 (only $550) cash!

Judy:

“When I came to work with Lynda I was facing some really difficult things in my life and I really needed to do something for ME.

I wanted to avoid having to look at myself and the way I perceived myself. I really didn’t want to looking into myself and acknowledge the things about myself that I had been ignoring and avoiding.

Working with Lynda has made so much difference in my attitude towards life and my options for the future. I now have clarity about what I really want in life and the hope and belief that I can do it!

I loved the light, easy way in which Lynda encouraged me to look beyond the current issues I was facing.

Lynda’s empathy and supportive way of helping me see the way forward and be enthusiastic about achieving what I want was phenomenal.

She’s kind and gentle, but she’s also firm when it is needed – and I needed that - she pushes you without being pushy.

She was flexible and understanding of the obstacles I’ve experienced on my journey. When I drifted in my focus, she always brought me back. She asked the right questions and she didn’t let me avoid what I needed to face.

The results I’ve seen include a huge improvement in my emotional state and my mindset. I have clarity in focusing on what I really want, which I didn’t have at all when I first started with Lynda. I was at a crossroads and I really didn’t know what I wanted - now I do.

She has helped me focus on what is important to me and to actively think about my life in a positive light. Plus I now have a plan and an action plan for the journey coming up ahead.

She even helped me to overcome letting a lack of confidence hold me back.

I don’t think I would have stuck to facing these difficult things in my life if it had not been for Lynda’s encouragement, motivating, challenging and inspirational way of working with me.

It was an absolute pleasure and it was life-changing!”

I’m ready to build boundaries and learn about my emotions!

Let’s chat!

p.s. you may get asked to prove you are human when you click.

Yes, I’m ready - let’s chat!

This is a good fit for you, if:

  • You’ve done some therapy or counseling stuff already.

  • You aren’t in a current crisis or mental health crisis.

  • You want a long-term solution and you’re prepared to work to get it.

  • You’re willing to make coaching calls a priority in your life.

  • You’ve put physical distance between yourself and any abusive relationship(s).

You might not be ready, if:

  • You’ve never done any therapy or counseling.

  • You’re currently in a crisis or mental health crisis.

  • You want a quick-fix or someone who can fix you.

  • You aren’t ready to look at the parts of yourself that make you feel uncomfortable.

  • You haven’t put physical distance between yourself and abusive relationships.

Frequently Asked Questions.

Why the holly-heck is it so cheap?

Because I live and work from Cape Town, South Africa - so it’s possible to offer this price!

Being affordable is very important to me. When I was in my early thirties I tried to hire a life coach and just could not find one that was even remotely affordable and therapy didn’t help me figure out the little things like boundary-setting, how to be content, how to calm my sometimes over-the-top emotions, or how to deal with the little challenges in life.

Why can YOU help me?

Because I’ve helped myself learn to build boundaries and regulate chaotic emotions (and lots of other women)!

Throughout my pre-teen, teen and early-adulthood I struggled with emotional regulation. I had type 1 diabetes, so for years people thought it was physical, then experts thought it was psychological. It turned out that I had undiagnosed CPTSD, poor personal boundaries, and celiac disease that was leaving me extremely malnourished for two decades. So it was both physical and psychological. But, this was only discovered when I was 26 years old and 32 years old. The result was that I had many, many years of trying to learn about emotional regulation to try to help myself. I went to many medical specialists, had countless medical procedures from 14 iron-transfusions, to CT-scans, to an endoscope camera put down into my digestive tract to try figure it all out. And lots of therapy to try to help me.

The result is that I studied A LOT - about trauma, childhood trauma, emotions, emotional regulation, and how this affects our brains, bodies and behavior.

I’ve studied and served as a volunteer rape trauma counselor with a crisis center for 3 years, helping rape victims give their statements to police and go through the medical examination with the doctor. I’ve volunteered and lived in a safe house with trauma victims. For 4 years I worked full-time at a crisis center and I’ve done numerous basic counseling courses. I’m also a fully certified life coach, which I studied for a full year with New Insights Life Coach Training.

I’ve spent the past 15+ years learning how to help women break free from the results of big and small jolts in life!

Now I help women with developing and learning what I’ve found makes the most difference to break free from the results of big and small jolts in life:

  • Building strong boundaries.

  • Developing personalized emotional regulation strategies.

  • And filling in the gaps that we’ve lost because of what we’ve gone through - which often begins at “Who Am I? What Do I Want?”

“I’ve tried everything. How do I know this is going to work for me?”

If you’ve tried everything, it tells me that you’re more ready than ever. It also tells me that those other things have not really been able to give you the hope, courage and firmness you’ve needed to pull you out of this hole. Most other healing options focus on the pain, the trauma, the problems and solutions for those - with me we don’t do that. If we’re in a call I take it as a given that you’ve had pain and I’ve also had pain, so I don’t need to dig down into your pain to know what that feels like or how hard it is. Looking closer at your pain isn’t what you need (that’s for counselling and therapy!). You need to look closer at the gaps where you didn’t learn something, or didn’t realize something, or didn’t develop something because of unclear or violated boundaries, trauma and pain. That’s what actually heals - building the boundaries and learning to regulate your emotions. That makes you capable of managing yourself. Few other healing options focus in hard on boundaries and helping you to retrain yourself - and that is exactly what I do!

“How do I know I need boundaries?”

That’s a great question! If many or all of these are true for you, you highly likely need to fill in gaps because of unclear or missing boundaries.

Do you have too few boundaries and struggle with setting boundaries:

  • Do you try hard to do what others want or need?

  • Do you answer “yes” when you want to say “no”?

  • Do you try to ignore how overwhelmed and tired you actually feel?

  • Do you often feel taken advantage of by people?

  • Do you often trust people too soon?

  • Do you often give too much in relationships?

  • Do you ever avoid people or relationships because you can’t say “no”?

Do you have over-the-top “boundaries” that you try to protect yourself with:

  • Do you often say “no” because it’s easier than saying “yes”?

  • Are you often rigid and inflexible?

  • Do you keep most people at a distance?

  • Do others experience you as insensitive, abrasive or scary?

  • Do you struggle to trust people?

  • Do you often end up with anger issues?

Do you avoid feelings to try to protect yourself:

  • Do you get swept away by your emotions?

  • Do you avoid difficult emotions?

  • Do difficult emotions overwhelm you?

  • Do you feel uncomfortable when your emotions are different to other people’s?

  • Do you do things to take your mind off of yourself?

  • Do you prefer to try be “invisible”?

  • Do your emotions sometimes feel paralyzing and even feel numbing or hysterical?

Do you over do things to avoid thinking about yourself:

  • Have you lost yourself in all the weird relationships, bad relationships, broken relationships, and too-intense relationships, maybe even abusive relationships?

  • Do you have a weird relationship with risk-taking and control, and you’re not sure why?

  • Do you move quickly in relationships?

  • Do you overextend yourself socially?

  • Do you struggle to set limits for yourself?

If you struggle with any points on these lists, I’m here to help you. I’ve been there and I’ve conquered many these and I’m here to help you do that too!

“I’m not ready to set goals, plan and all the things life coaches want me to do?”

Yes, I know! I was exactly the same. That’s why with me, we don’t get hung up on what you aren’t ready for yet or on what you’re not sure about. As we find the pieces that need filling in, in your retraining and in your boundaries, it’s going to take you from the broken person who can feel there’s something missing to having all those gaps filled in. And that is going to give you the clarity that none of the other things you have tried before could give you.

So when you get to the end, we do look at plans and goals, but only once you are feeling much more whole and are ready to do it!

“Can I change my mind and ask for a refund?”

Yes! The Coaching42ForYou ‘no questions asked guarantee’ means that if within the first 7 days from your first call with Lynda, you decide that it is not for you, we’ll refund you. There will be no refunds before your first call with Lynda. You may request a refund within the first 7 days only and requests must be submitted by 11:59pm 7 days from your first coaching call with Lynda. After that there will be no refunds.

“I’m SO busy. Will I even have the time to do this?”

This is a very good question! To get the most from this 8 week program, you will need to prioritize the calls and in-between calls you’ll need to take action! But, you don’t need to get worried about this because the changes I will be asking you to make are more about shifting your mindset than about adding tasks to your to-do list. And, I meet you where you are at, and customize what you need to do in-between calls as much as possible to fit the time you have available.

“I don’t want to talk about my issues - will this still work for me?”

Yes! We work together on where you are at now, not on your past. However, if there are things in your life that are getting in the way of you living, thriving and having everything that you want - then I will push you to help you to get what you want. But, this is not something to worry about, you decide what you want - I’m here to help you get to what you want. So yes, absolutely!

“What actually happens when I click the I’m ready - let’s chat button?”

  • 1st you’ll get asked to prove you are human (usually you have to click on boats or bicycles to prove you aren’t a robot).

  • 2nd you’ll get taken to https://calendly.com/lyndawright to book a call with me.

  • 3rd you’ll connect with me on WhatsApp before your call and on WhatsApp you’ll get the link to the “getting to know you” form to fill out before our first call, so we can hit the ground running.

  • 4th we’ll have our 60 minute call and chat about what you’re wanting, payment options (PayPal, EFT, etc.) and two of the questions from the “getting to know you” form.

  • 5th you’ll decide if you want to sign up, you’ll pay and we’ll begin our journey together!

“I can’t pay the full amount all at once - can I break down the payment?”

YES! There’s a 13 month payment plan option so you can spread out the payments. I don’t want you to miss out!

Emotional Coaching

Let’s get started!

p.s. you’ll get asked to prove you are human when you click.

I’m ready - let’s chat!

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More questions?

I’m Lynda Wright, a certified life coach living in Cape Town, South Africa. I help fix unstable emotions so you can become the confident, capable and courageous person you are meant to be! Get in touch:

Book a consulation | +27 (0) 60 972 1254 | lyndalwright@gmail.com

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